Kurai Extravaganza

I read an essay on 'princess tasks' today. It is a small series of assignements, made up by Princess Skye. One of the tasks she set was writing one's own fairytale with oneself as the main character.
I think her tasks are sweet yet a bit childish. Fairytales do not connect to this everyday life of mine. Turning my life into a fairytale, story-fying it, would be silly. However, her idea of setting oneself a task is something I would like to add to my everyday life.
My tasks will be less floathing, less dreamy, more real, though. Because, what bothers me is more an assignement for me, than other things, such as the princess? tasks. Writing a story is pretty much a piece of cake, so to speak. What I pick as my task will be more difficult. For me, obviously. To any other, it won?t be much though.

1.       Being able to express the 'it-word', without looking away. This may seem like nothing to anyone, but for me it is quite difficult. In any conversation, I can say it freely, but as soon as it becomes a bit more personal and specific, I become closed-off like an oister.
Is it very bad not to be able to express the word? No, but it is significant for my whole way of behaving towards this matter. It is a sign of it.
Why bother, though? Easily, I could say "oh well, then I won't be able to say it, I don't care", but I know that it is restricting me. Simply saying the word is a little thing which seemingly won?t make much difference but it is a start. Without being able to say it, I will not be able to et further. And that is what I seek for, in the end; breaking the silly mental boundaries which restrict me. Beecause breaking through one can bring a smile to faces. Not just mine, but also that of others, and to me, that is important too. And the first step to breaking the restraints is this.

2.       Expressing clearly what restricts me. Let?s face it: nodding, yes, no, and maybe is not going to explain much. Letting him guess for my motives can?t go on forever and it does not clarify anything does it? And now I could hide my face and act like an ostrich but what good would that do? In the end, it would only cause wrong.
I do not expect that it will go smooth and effortless, but I want to be able to explain it. As long as I force myself about it (doing it again, am I not?!), in the end, it will be possible to find the right words. They won?t flow, but they will have meaning.
After all, even now, the thoughts about this very subject do not leave my head, but yet, the thoughs are more about how to think about it, not actually about the subject itself.

I want to be free to express my feelings and thoughts about it... about sex... Even writing it down is strange. I want to be able to express my thoughts on it as I finally found myself able to be bitchy to him, and able to tickle him ^_^. Silly little things, details, but things I did not do before. And it are exactly these details which make things meaningful.
Surely it will take time, and surely it won't go easy, and more tasks will have to follow, but it is a start.
Just give me time, and talk about it to me, so that I get more used to it. Help me a bit with that...